the list

I found it one day last year about this time when I was cleaning out the last of my mom's belongings in the house that I now call "home".  It was a sheet of notebook paper, filled with the names of all her kids and grand kids. I immediately realized what I had in my hands~it was the last Christmas shopping list that my mom had made before she moved into the nursing home.  As I read it, a tear came to my eye when I found my name, "Peggy" and the notation next to it "Christmas tablecloth".  It was the last Christmas gift that my mom had given me. 

Our mom always loved celebrating Christmas and one thing she made sure of was that every last one of us had something to unwrap under the tree.  As I counted the names on that list, I came up with 30 people.  I swear, I don't know how she did it~but some how or another she stretched her already meager Social Security check even tighter during the month of December each year, because that's how she was.

It was strange for me to find that piece of notebook paper that particular November day, now almost a year ago.  But then, as I've said before, "ironic" is my new middle name and I should not ever be surprised at the "strangeness" this life has to offer.  Yet finding that old Christmas shopping list provided the inspiration to resume a practice that I had years ago given up....the celebration of Christmas.

I stopped celebrating Christmas way back in 2003, in fact not only did I stop celebrating it,  I barely acknowledged its existence in my life.  Don't get me wrong....I know that the true meaning of Christmas, for me, is the celebration of the baby Jesus' birth.  That I never gave up on and always will hold close to my heart...but the rest of it~the Christmas trees, parties, presents, looking at lights, playing holiday music,  Black Friday sales, I wanted nothing to do with.  December 25th couldn't come and go quickly enough for me.  If I could just survive through December, I'd make it ok.

I could say that I don't want to talk about why all of a sudden 8 years ago I hated the holidays so much and I know you would understand and accept that.  But maybe, just maybe if I tell my story some of you who are facing the same thing will be able to find peace in knowing that you aren't alone.  I've said before that writing this blog can, at times, be painful and because the words I try to write come from my heart, then sometimes you just have to accept the fact that it's going to hurt a bit.  So I acknowledge that friends and perhaps after I finish this blog entry, I too will find some peace.  Sounds like a "win-win" if ever I did hear one and believe me, I can use all of those times that I can get!

Those of you who know me personally know that I've been divorced twice.  My last marriage ended in 2003 and anyone who has ever gone through that kind of a shock in life knows how very painful and sad of a time it is.  The holidays are a particularly bad reminder for those who have gone through a divorce of how life used to be back in the good days.  And you know, it's not just divorced people who have trouble with things like the holidays.  Those who have lost a spouse, a child or another close family member, those who have loved ones in the military or loved ones that live too far away to come home are equally affected during the special times of the year.  No getting around it, the commercial Christmas season has a way of "sucking" and that's just the truth.  

My way of coping for the years following 2003 was to just pretend that for the most part, the season of Christmas didn't exist.  I gave away all of my Christmas decorations, threw my tree into the burnpile, "bah-humbugged" every house that I saw lit up with lights and trashed every holiday ad from the newspaper without even looking at them.  During those years, I was working as a CNA at a local nursing home facility and I always volunteered to work on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  I guess I thought if I was working, then I wouldn't have to remember about why I hated Christmas so much.  That was working out pretty good for me for the next 7 years.....that is until I found Mom's list.

That tablecloth that Mom had listed next to my name on the shopping list was actually one that she had embroidered for me.  It was beautiful, almost elegant looking.  It was the kind of tablecloth that you would use only for one meal, then take immediately to the dry cleaners to be sure that it stayed nice to use the next year.  The ironic thing was, and oh you know how ironic life can get, is that I never got the chance to use the tablecloth because 2 months later, I was divorced.  And life was never again the same.

I'm always telling you how God "whacks me upside the head" from time to time to get a point across, a message  to me.  I'm pretty sure on that November day last year, that is what happened. The message of "time to let Christmas back into your heart Peggy" came through loud and clear and if Mom could find a way to make a few dollars stretch far enough to buy a gift for each of the people that she loved, then surely I could find a way in me to put up one Christmas tree.  And so, I did.

Last year's Christmas tree was the first one I had put up in 8 years.  It seemed a bit weird to buy one again and of course I had to buy new ornaments as well.  But I did and we got it put up shortly after Thanksgiving.  Oh yeah, there's the thing about Oblio the cat who wouldn't leave the tree alone.  Obie's idea of fun was to scale the top of the tree each day.  Miraculously enough, the tree survived its first season with us and with Oblio.  Come Thanksgiving Day, the kids are going to put it up again for me and we'll do it all over again.  Heaven help Oblio, our round head cat~


Last year's return to Christmas was pretty small-scale in comparison to the way some folks celebrate with just a tree and a few things around the house.  The kids were here at home for our Christmas dinner for the first time in a long while.  We had a great time, a great visit.  For the first time in "forever", I bought the kids presents to unwrap rather than just handing them a check and saying they should go buy what they want.  We ate way too much, we laughed like crazy at stories that most of us had kind of forgotten about.  And the most miraculous thing?  I really enjoyed it, so much that we'll do it again this year.


Friends, that old shopping list from years past, by all rights and reason should have been thrown away on December 26, 2002.  Yet it survived and found its way into my hands, 8 years later, for good reason.  I've said before that the older I've gotten, the more I've stopped to consider even the smallest of things in life now.  Please dear friends, I so encourage you to do the same.  Please don't miss out like I did and remember how very, very wonderful this life truly is~even in the hardest of times.  

My 3 little kids, well they USED to be.....Ursela Hemman, Ricky Miller, Grahame Hemman on Christmas Day of 2010~

My present from Grahame last year~Zippy the monkey-just like the one I got when I was a little girl.  My parents gave it to me so I would quit asking for a real one, just like the ones I had seen on the Ed Sullivan show.  ("old lefty" was looking pretty good back then! )