upon how do we measure our self-worth?

It's soon to be time to call Rich the "rototiller guy" to head to my house and tear up the earth in the backyard in anticipation for the planting of a spring garden.  I've called on Rich to come to my house here on 14th Street for the past 5 years and I have never ceased to be amazed at how fast he can turn the ground into a well-tilled garden plot.  And oh did I mention, he's about as reasonable a guy as you can imagine in what he charges. He's not out to make a killing,  only a living and I admire that about him.


Even though the garden plot is being readied, it won't be planted and taken care of by me for a change.  For the past 7 years, I've spent my spring and summer months planting, taking care of and harvesting a garden that was always way too big for me.  You'd think that after so many planting seasons that I'd figure out just how much I'd need but that never seemed to be the case.  I always grew enough for my family plus anyone else who would take it.  But the 14th Street garden of 2012 will be tended and cared for by my nephew and his wife, Scott and Lisa Wright and their family.  


The seed catalogues started arriving in late-December and a steady stream of them have been delivered to my mailbox in the weeks since then.  Used to be that reading through the catalogues and daydreaming about what I'd be planting was my favorite winter time activity~but not this year.  The very first one to arrive,  from J. H. Shumway, at one time was the one I ordered the most seed from.  This year, it was the first to go to the recycle bin and every other one that came after it found its place there too.  I never even "cracked" one open to look inside.  For the first time in forever, I no longer had the desire to plant anything and that, my friends, was the strangest of feelings.  And you know, it wasn't because of "old lefty's" condition either....my heart is just not in it right now.


Back in the "old days" I used to measure my "self-worth" by how big of a garden I could put in each year.  If I didn't plant a dozen tomato plants, can 36 quarts of green beans, or have the biggest Vidalia onions every summer, then in my way of thinking I wasn't much of a gardener.  And as I stopped to think of it in those terms these past few days, I realized that I have spent much of my lifetime putting similar measuring sticks to Peggy Miller's "self-worth".


As a bicyclist, I had high expectations of myself.  I pushed hard to make sure that I rode at least 10 miles a day, day in and day out.   If the bike's computer didn't register an average speed of at least 12 mph, then I felt like a slacker.  Having to quit after only 234 miles on the Bike Across Kansas this past summer nearly killed me.  In my way of thinking, I hadn't set out to do what I wanted to do.  And on August 4th, 2011 the odometer only read 1,500 miles....500 miles short of my original goal for the season.  I found myself trying to figure out how, between "old lefty's" surgeries, I was going to make up the difference.  


My friends, have you ever found yourself doing the same thing?  Are you like me and realize that you are much harder on yourself than others could possibly ever be?  If so, we're all in good company.  I'm afraid that I don't even have a real good reason as to why it is so.  All I know is that for years now, I've spent way too much time trying to prove to myself that what ever I did was enough.  


Since there is now an open spot on the "Miller Bucket List" with the completion of the second set of swimming lessons, I now have a new item that is ready to fill in that empty spot....


"To learn to be more forgiving of myself and to no longer be my own worst enemy."


When you stop and think about it in those terms, it seems rather strange.  For the longest time in life, I never realized just how hard I was on myself.  Where others, friends and family, could forgive my shortcomings, I could not.  I think the turning point for me happened the night of the infamous peanut butter sandwich fiasco on August 7th, only three days after my accident.  The night that I let a jar of peanut butter and a loaf of bread get the better of me was my extreme wake up call that I had been taking my life way too seriously.  Since that point in time, I've begun to see where that kind of thinking takes me. 


By the way, lest you think that I will never attempt gardening again.....perhaps next season after "old lefty" has had more time to heal again and I've had the time to "dabble" in other things, then I will.  Spending two weeks travelling to Maine to see a lighthouse during a busy time in the gardening season is worth much more to me than watering and pulling weeds :)    I used to believe that kind of thinking would mean I was "lazy".  NOW I know what it really means.....I am worth it.


Have a beautiful day today, March 13, 2012 and I'm going to call it a great to be alive in!  

My friend, Dennis Ulrey's, "french fry" plants growing in my garden last summer.  

Some of the unexpected things that I've harvested from the garden over the past couple of years.  Every time that the garden gets tilled up, we can almost always find colorful bottles glass raise to the top.  60 years ago, long before the day of Stutzman Refuse Service, the people living here buried their trash in the back yard.  It's always like going on a treasure hunt!