It must have been bad enough because I noted that I had just taken a pain pill and for me, that was something I sure hated to do. But my arm hurt, I couldn't sleep, and I was very discouraged. The only way that I knew to make things better was to sit down and type out my feelings. Good thing that I did as I remember finally lying down at midnight and getting a good 7 hours worth of sleep.
For the past 6 weeks or so, I've been returning to about as normal as I thought I might. I've done so many fun things, many that were on my "bucket list". I got to ride on the back of a motorcycle very fast (120 mph) and definitely lived to tell about it. I travelled all the way, by myself, to Osceola, Iowa to meet one my friends and was able to visit a site that I always wanted to see while I was there. The Roseman Bridge of Madison County, Iowa was a place to behold for me. I've been able to go for long walks to get exercise and I no longer have to rely on friends and family to help me survive the day. Life is very good my friends and I truly hope the same could be said for you.
I thought things were going pretty well for me, both physically and mentally, but today for some reason I had this sense of panic run through me while I was cleaning up my room at school for the day. I suddenly realized (even though I already knew) that in a week's time I would probably be "back in the same boat" that I was in August. The prospect of going through yet another surgery and wearing a long-arm cast for another 2 months really kind of overwhelmed me. And I began to wonder and even doubt myself as to whether or not I could go through that again.
So many anxious thoughts ran through my mind. "What if it's icy and I slip and fall outside with a cast on? How will I ever get long-sleeved shirts over a cast? What if I have to do battle with a jar of peanut butter and a loaf of bread again? What if the surgery doesn't even work?" Friends, I played that "what if" game for the better part of an hour, becoming more anxious all the time. Finally, I realized that all that worrying and anxiety was not making the situation at hand any better. I realized, my friends, that I had lost my focus and when that happens then whatever job you are doing is a whole lot harder to accomplish.
Tonight when I was walking in the tunnel, I thought about that whole concept of "keeping your focus". I use it every time I'm out there on my daily 2-mile walk. I'm always glad when there is a rather quick walker ahead of me in the tunnel. As I follow them, I try to match their stride, step for step. It helps me to be a faster walker and to get a better work out. But I noticed tonight, that the guy I was trying to keep up with got farther and farther ahead of me. I know now that it was because I was thinking of too many other things. I had lost sight of what matching his stride as he walked could do for me. It's the same way when I am walking all by myself out there. I can usually stay focused on walking my mile in good time if I just keep looking ahead of me, keeping my eyes fixed upon a certain focal point. But I'm telling you, the minute I don't look, the minute that my eyes are on the floor instead of the goal ahead, then things slow down. And I usually can tell it.
The same worked as well for my journey on the Bike Across Kansas this past June. If I could just keep up with the pace of another rider, then I had no trouble at all in doing the miles each day. Oh yeah, I was tired but at least I could finish. 65 miles didn't seem like 65 miles as long as I kept my focus-and that focus was to finish alive and well at the end of each day. When I no longer kept the pace, when I forgot what the focus was in the first place, those hills became harder to climb, the sun beat down hotter, the wind blew 10 mph hour faster, and I got closer to giving up. I saw it all the time in myself as well as the many 900 other riders that were there.
During the remaining days of the final weeks before the second surgery, I am going to try my best to remain focused on the reason for returning to see Dr. Chan in "the land of miracles." The plain truth is, "old lefty" is still in trouble and without a second surgery and the subsequent 8 weeks in a cast, well, then things are definitely not going to get better and may end up a whole lot worse.
Hey, I feel better having written this and even if it was never published to the blog, even if no one ever read it, at least I have acknowledged my fear to myself. And as I've said a thousand, no, I said a million times now, you guys are some of the best therapists around. Geesch, I kind of feel like I should pay you or something. :) Thanks for listening.
Have a good night all of you, get a great sleep, have nice dreams and above all else, keep the focus!
"Old Lefty" will look as good as new in no time at all-I used to worry about what people would think when they saw that bony prominence always sticking up. Heck, they got used to it and so did I.
And I have to say just one more thing~I'm trying to learn to laugh more often. It kind of helps you forget all of the aches and pains we seem to get as we get more "mature". My two favorite Far Side comics follow.
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