~R.I.P. dear "homesick" and upon becoming my own mother~

Greetings everyone from very windy and extremely dry Montrose, Colorado.  Mike and I are having a garage sale this morning and as we set everything up outside last night, the wind came.  And it blew and blew all night long and continues to blow as I write this blog entry.  All around us last night we noticed dark clouds that might at any moment signal the beginning of the arrival of much needed moisture here, yet we received none.  Now the San Juan Mountains and the Uncompahgre Range are nearly obscured from our view, mostly because of the wildfires that are burning not all that far away from us here in Montrose.  This land, just like the land everywhere else in our country, is dependent upon the good graces of Mother Nature.  For all the things that we haven't had to endure in the ravages of weather, we should give thanks always and we do.

It's been over a month now that I have lived here and I do believe that I have never said, thought or written the word homesick as much as I have as of late.  Shoot, if I were to have been paid a dollar for every time I uttered that eight letter word, I'd be able to buy drinks at Bogey's back home in Hutch for most all of you reading this right now for the rest of the year.  You know, I was talking the other day with my oldest son, Ricky, who lives for the time being in Jenks, Oklahoma.  We visit often, that boy and I, about life and how the other is doing.  He has sensed my sadness and I have been truthful with him as well as my other two children about how life is going for me.  He told me something on the phone the other day that made sense to me and although it kind of "smarted" for a moment to hear his words, I knew that he was right and oh how I hate it when my kids are right and I am not.  (LOL, love him any ways).  "Mom," he told me, "I know you are homesick but I also know that you have the chance to have a good life with Mike in Colorado.  It just seems like the more you say that you are homesick, the less chance you will have to be happy there."  He was right and it made me stop to realize just how our own "mental attitude" about something can make all the difference, bad or good, in the way that we look at things.  

I have continued to think about that conversation in the days that have followed since and the longer I thought about it, the more I realized just how right that 32-year "kid" of mine was. He had made a great point.  Although he didn't come out and say it, because he knew that I'd probably not like to hear his advice (LOL), what Ricky was really telling me was that I had become my own worst enemy and that I was actually defeating myself in the long run and that it was time to start looking at things in a different light.  So to honour my son, who I love very much and always will, I'm making the attempt this morning to officially put to rest the term homesick at least for 99 percent of the time.  Doesn't mean that I won't feel that way of course, only means that I'm not going to allow it to influence my chances of a having a good life here.  Does that makes any sense?  It kinda does to me now.

As I close this post this morning, I guess I am thinking about my mom and how finally at long last I understand her so much better and the things that she had to go through later on in the last part of her life.  Now keep in mind, I said I was going to retire using that thought of "homesickness" but could I share just one last memory that has helped me so much in the days that have passed?  Having seemingly plenty of time now to finally reflect on things has been a real blessing to me and I saw myself in my own mother, just the other day.

When my mom was 84 years old her health had become fragile enough that she had to enter into long-term care at a nursing home back in Hutchinson.  It was a "not so much fun" kind of moment for her and she made it clear to all of us that it wasn't what she wanted to have happen.  It was a sad moment in time, not only for her but for all of her children and grandchildren as well.  But what could any of us do?  We knew there was no other option and thus, her life was forever changed.  Perhaps some of you reading this have gone through similar experiences with your own parents or grandparents.  It ends up being a "not so much kind of fun" moment for everyone.  

We tried our best to make her new room at the nursing home look pretty, figuring that if all else failed at least she would have a nice place to live.  Several of us kids tried to convince her to let us bring some things from her old house on 14th Street to make it look like "home" to her, but she would have nothing of it.  We tried several ideas like her family photos, a special lamp, a side table, a magazine stand and even her prized possession~a record player/CD/radio combination that she had always enjoyed listening to.  Nothing seemed to work.  As time went on, I began to realize that in my mother's mind, allowing us to bring a lot of stuff from home to provide a more amenable nursing home decor would signify her acceptance of giving up her own home and moving into a long-term care setting. That was never going to happen for her and when she passed away, nearly four years later, all of her personal things, including that wonderful record player were given away to family members.  She never enjoyed having them again.  

Now I tell you that story about my own mom because her daughter, that'd be me, has been the same way about my move here.  When we originally moved my belongings out in late May, there were several things that I had to leave behind simply because we didn't have the room to bring them.  When I went back to visit Kansas last weekend, I knew that there were items that I would try to bring out when I came back to Montrose.  Homesick as I was and "ouch" there's THAT word again, there were several things that I hesitated putting into my car.  Guess I was just like my mom in that respect...I knew that I had a wonderfully kind and loving husband waiting for me to return home but the problem was that "home" wasn't where I always knew it to be.  I was balking about returning and leaving some special things back in my home on East 14th Street meant that I could hang on to ties in both places.  And one of those things that I was having trouble bringing out was a record player/CD/radio combination, much like the one that she had.  At the very last moment, right before I left last Monday morning I had one of those "whacks upside the head" from God and believe me the message He delivered was understood loud and clear.  It was time to take the record player to Montrose as well.  It would be "ok" and so with the help of my son Grahame, it was loaded at the last minute into the front seat of the car.  Any of the rest of you have trouble listening sometimes to the "still small voice"?

Until my dying day my heart will always reside in two places~Hutchinson, Kansas and Montrose, Colorado.  I will learn, given enough time, that it will get easier here.  I will continue to work on becoming more accustomed to life in Colorado and the "blessing" promises to be right here beside me all along the way.  Not sure what more to ask for and just like I always promised my dear little friend NaDonna as we suffered through our time in the "broken arm club" together, IT GETS BETTER~So on today, June 29th, 2013 it would seem fitting and right to give the phrase "I'm homesick!" a proper rest and thus, it shall be.  Have a great weekend friends and take care of yourself and one another.  Peggy Miller Renfro is alive and well in the mountains of Colorado.  I miss you guys all and love you more than you can imagine.  Thanks for being my friends, always!

There's something about these two guys and their little sister~makes a mom really proud.  They know me better than I know myself some days.  Love all three of them so very much.

She would have a fit if she knew I'd posted this one...right before Mom left for the nursing home back in 2003.  It was a hard thing for her to do and an even harder one for us.  My sisters Sherry and Cindy and a brother, Mike, are shown with me.  I think Mom would have been really glad that I told her story and that I learned from it as well.  Hey and so what that I have became my own mother?  :)  Worse things in this life I suppose!

The infamous "record player" has found its new home here on the old buffet at Montrose, Colorado.  I kinda like it there and am really glad that I brought it.  My dear friends Michael, his sister Amy and their mother Jan gave it to me last Christmas time as a gift.  I have enjoyed it ever since.  Dear friends, if this blog post had "audio" it would sound like either Harry Chapin, Three Dog Night, The Moody Blues, or John Denver.  Take your pick and listen to your heart's content.